smackshack: a crude digital self-portrait (Default)
Spoilers follow....

Here's my synopsis of the movie.

Perseus: Damn the gods!

King & Queen of Argos: Damn the gods!

Andromeda, princess of Argos: Mom, Dad, you're embarrassing me!

Army of Argos: Damn the gods!

Hades: Damn this, motherfuckers!

Everybody: Arrrrrrrgh! [Dies.]

Hades: Feed Andromeda to my Balrog Kraken, or I'll be mean.

Andromeda: Oh, poo.

Io: Don't worry, Perseus, I'm looking out for you.

Perseus: Gemma Arterton! You're, like, totally hot. Way hotter than Andromeda.

Io: Yeah. I decided not to screw this god once, so he made me immortal.

Perseus: o_0

Grizzled veteran of Argos: So, Perseus, it looks like you're the son of Zeus.

Perseus: No!!!!! That's impossible!

Giant Scorpions: Raaar!

Perseus: Damn the gods!

Grizzled veteran of Argos: Use the lightsaber magic sword!

Perseus: No!!!!

Grizzled veteran of Argos: Ok, how about using The Force your godhood?

Perseus: No!!!! That's impossible!

Grizzled veteran of Argos: Gonna be a long night.

Perseus: Look, scorpion guts!

Perseus: Oh dear, I believe I've been hurt.

Djinnbots of Cultural Diversity: [Cure Serious Wounds] [Neutralize Poison]

Perseus: Sweet!

Zeus: Perseus, join me, and together we can rule the galaxy Olympus as father and son.

Perseus: Damn the gods!

Zeus: Well, here, at least take some spending money.

Perseus: Sweet!

Charon: None shall pass!

Chris de Burgh: Don't pay the ferryman!

Djinnbots of Cultural Diversity: Oh for fuck's sake, pay the ferryman. The scorpion is double-parked.

Io: We should feel kind of sorry for Medusa, you know. All she wanted was to not be raped by Poseidon, but he totally raped her, and she asked Athena for a morning-after pill, but Athena was all like, "Snakes, bitch."

Perseus: Harsh. Gonna help me kill this bitch?

Io: Hell no.

Perseus: Damn the gods!

Medusa: Snakes!

Everyone except Perseus: Sna--!

Medusa: Heh.

Perseus: Damn the go--oo, shiny!

Medusa: Shiny?

Perseus: Chop the gods!

Medusa: Snakes. Why'd it have to be snakes? [Dies.]

Perseus: Hm. Paper or plastic?

Calibos: A ha!

Io: Oh dear, I'm dead!

Perseus: No!!!!

Calibos: [Bitch slap] I bet you wish you had a magic sword now!

Perseus: !

Calibos: Oh, you do have a magic sword.

Perseus: Damn the gods!

Hades: Zeus, it's time to release the Kraken.

Zeus: Ok. I'm sure people won't blame me for this.

Andromeda: Keep calm and carry on, people. Just sacrifice me to the sea monster and everything will be OK.

People of Argos: Ok.

Andromeda: Well you didn't have to agree with me that quickly.

People of Argos: No takebacks!

Andromeda: Oh, poo.

Perseus: Damn the gods!

Kraken: Raaar! [Smashes Argos.]

Perseus: Snakes, bitch!

Kraken: Sna--!

People of Argos: Nice timing, asshole.

Perseus: Damn the gods!

Andromeda: My hero!

Perseus: Look, um, it's not you, it's me....

Andromeda: Oh, poo.

Zeus: Good job, son!

Perseus: Why did so many people have to die?

Zeus: They had it coming. If you don't want to be soft-rocked by me, you're gonna get hate-fucked by Hades*.

Perseus: Damn the gods!

Zeus: But just to show there's no hard feelings, here: have another Gemma Arterton.

Perseus: Praise the gods!

Io: Sweet!

Perseus: Wait a minute. If I remember my Greek mythology correctly, Io is the handmaiden of Hera that Zeus -- I mean, Dad -- pursued across the Mediterranean until he -- I mean, you -- finally impregnated her and gave birth to two lines of king-heros, one of which eventually included my mother, which means you totally boned your own great-great-whatever granddaughter in order to have me, and now you want me to get nasty with my own great-great-great-whatever grandmother so that I won't make trouble?

Zeus: Ummm.

Perseus: And you, Io, I thought you said you decided not to screw that god once!

Io: Ummm, there are kind of a lot of gods, you know.

Zeus: But look, it's totally cool. Hymen reconstruction surgery can do amazing things these days.

Io: True.

Perseus: Damn the gods!

* Hate-Fucked by Hades? Awesome name for a band.


smackshack: a crude digital self-portrait (Default)

June 2012



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